Up, Up and Away

To set the ambience for this blog post, please go to your record player.  Pull out your favourite Neil Sedaka vinyl album.  Drop the needle.  Put on your favourite corduroy housecoat, and pour yourself a tall glass of goat's milk (if a goat is not near by, a sheep will suffice).

At 6:00 AM  Eastern Standard Daylight Time, an airport shuttle came and shuttled my wife away.  Melanie is finally on her way to Yellowknife, to begin her new job, find a new house, and to enjoy the warmer weather currently being had in the Northwest Territories.

Left behind was myself and two young daughters.  After Melanie walked out the door, there was crying, foot stomping, toy throwing and many other colossal outbursts and this all occurred before either of the girls woke up.

Maya is able to understand that Mommy is off to start her new job and find her a new house to live in.  Gabby, just shy of two, will begin her repetitive "Where'd Mama go, where'd Mama go, where'd Mama go, repeat 83 times, where'd Mama go, by about four this afternoon.

So far the house is intact, no calls to 911 have been placed, and most of the walls in the house are still standing.  I have yet to feel any of the carnal urges that drove the main character in William Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" into madness.  But its only 1:30 PM so check back in a couple of hours.  Hopefully we won't begin to slide.

So I wish my dear wife safe travels, and to enjoy discovering the new chapter in our lives.  The girls will be safe and well taken care of.  Gabby just had her belly button pierced and Maya now sports a "My Little Pony" tattoo on her forehead but otherwise everything is status quo.

So to quote noted 18th century Hungarian philosopher Gunther Peabody:

"Ne aggódj a kicsinyes dolgokat, és ne a kisállat izzadt dolgok"

Or loosely translated:

"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things"

Until we meet again my love!

My third favourite four letter word!

My third favourite four letter word is "SOLD"!  Of course my top favourite four letter words are "BEER" and "MEAT".  And after a whirlwind of upset stomachs, sleepless nights and flatulence the house as of this moment is finally sold.  My fourth favourite four letter is "DUCK" but that bears no relevance to this blog post.

My least favourite people used to be clowns, but after this experience I now realize that Home Inspectors are the bane of my existence.  Of course when we bought the house we hired a guy who had the skills of a doorknob, and when we sold the home the buyers hired someone who makes Mike Holmes curl up in a ball in the corner.  But with the passage of time and emptying of wallets, we are finally ready to spin the Twister spinner and see which body part must be placed on what colour circle.

So with the sale of our domestic abode, we are another step closer to finally realizing our dream of moving to Yellowknife.  My dream of meeting the entire cast of the 80's hit comedy "Facts Of Life" will have to wait another day (please stay alive Mrs. Garrett).

Our realtor Aaron Pauze of Royal Lepage here in Midland was fabulous throughout the whole process, so if you ever have something to sell of the house variety we definitely would recommend him to others.

So tomorrow morning the love of my life (not bacon) but Melanie flies up to Yellowknife to begin her new job on Monday morning.  With any luck she will be able to find somewhere to shelter the rest of us hooligans in the not too distant future.  The closing date of the house is the middle of September so she will keep busy finding our next Shangri La.

Until then Gabby, Maya and I will continue on our adventures along Georgian Bay, counting down the days until our new adventure begins and hopefully we don't run out of fingers and toes in the process.

Seeking Shelter

My wife is an avid Les Stroud groupie having seen countless episodes of Survivorman and once kidnapped Les and held him in our basement for seventeen days (he survived on millipedes and water from the dehumidifier).  One thing I learned from Les is to survive in the urban wilds of the north, water, food and shelter are somewhat important.

Water:  Great Slave Lake.
Check.

Food: A&W and their vast selection of family oriented burgers.
Check.

Shelter:  ?

A quick query of the Yellowknife housing market:

Yellowknife starter home:


Yellowknife Fixer-Upper

But seriously this will be the first time my wife and I will be purchasing a domestic abode together.  We  both came into the marriage with our own palaces.  But this time we must make the big decision together.

What we want in a new home:

• Indoor Plumbing
• The thought of running out to an outhouse in minus fifty temperatures in the middle of the night would be daunting for my wife.  I of course would gladly pee in a pot.  But the thought of having at least two bathrooms is a great desire since we've spent the past five years with just one indoor bathroom.  With now 66% of the females and 100% of the males in this household toilet trained the thought of never having to wait in line feels luxurious.  And having an ensuite bathroom would be wonderful as well especially on those nights when it was impossible to turn down that extra helping of baked beans.
• Nice Kitchen
• Our current kitchen serves is small and it serves its purpose but has a wonderful convection gas range and large stainless steel fridge.  The fridge has the capacity of displaying over 73 different art projects on its front doors.  In the new house we would like a decent renovated kitchen with ample cupboard space for our 17,000 different pieces of Tupperware.  The microwave has sat on the top of the fridge for years and requires a stepladder for its quarterly cleanings, so a spot for the microwave would be nice as well.
• Man Cave
• A wonderful space to set up my television and stereo system for late night viewings of science fiction movies and hockey games would be wonderful.  The truth is that this room will end up being filled to the hilt with ponies and Megablocks, while episodes of Scooby Doo or Phineas and Ferb play in digital surround sound in the background.
• Four bedrooms
• A fourth bedroom would be nice for visiting friends and relatives or if we ever wish to take  in a Norwegian exchange student.  When not used as a bedroom, my wife can partake in her sewing projects or I can practice taxidermy.
• Nice Yard
• Looking forward to having a fire pit since we will be able to legally have one up in Yellowknife.  Cannot currently have a fire pit in Midland, Ontario since town officials worry that a campfire might drown out the aroma of cigarette smoke.  Lots of room to run around in circles or trapezoids is also a plus.  Privacy and a property backing onto green space are also favourable.   A fence to keep my daughters in and the boys out is also key.
• Location, Location, Location.
• If possible we would love for our future house to have a location.  Proximity to work, to school, to the pub, and to the trails is paramount.  Not quite sure yet which neighbourhoods are most desirable, but of course any house that my family moves into will drive up surrounding property values (Carly Simon sings faintly in the background).
• Price
• Ideally we would love for someone to give us a house for free since we are really really nice people.  Housing prices are quite high with the current selection that we have been eyeing ranging from 400,000 to 600,000 dollars.  Some of the more expensive ones might require the selling of one of my daughter's kidneys or for me to go back to work in my previous profession as a male gigilo.

So with these considerations let the house hunt begin.....

Laments, rumblings and random musings on selling a house.

Some random musings that we experienced while selling our house:

• Roller coasters have a minimum height requirement.  To purchase alcohol in Ontario you must be nineteen (or have an underaged friend who has shaved since he was seven and will purchase it for you). Minimum limits are function of nature.  I propose that to place an offer on a house it be required that the number of brain cells in your cranium be at least seven.  The first offer we received was from people whom the realtor affectionately referred to as "wing nuts".  We do meet the minimum height requirement for roller coasters (well me barely) but we prefer not to ride emotional roller coasters.  Thank goodness that the second offer that led to the sale of the house was made with intelligent life forms.
• To help entice the sale of the house, before every showing we baked cookies.  The theory goes that the aroma will remind the buyer of the comforts of hanging out at their grandparents house and give the house a feeling of familiarity.  That being said I propose that we could have sold the house in a day had we cooked a few pounds of bacon.
• Before each showing we scrambled to put away toys, clean floors and hand prints, and make the house immaculate.  The average time for the girls to reclaim the house to its original state:  3.9 seconds.
• They suggest that you remove personal effects from the walls before listing your house.  One suggestion is to remove family photos.  This makes a lot of sense since we are much better looking than everyone else.
• Part of selling the house required maintaining the outside curb appeal.  This led to a lot of extra work on my part.  Instead of cutting the grass once every 23 days, I was forced to cut the lawn every 22 days.
• Everybody should strive to keep their household in a constant state of saleability.  Everything in its place, put away and organized.  After closing the sale of our house this constant state of saleability lasted exactly 6 hours.
• Its amazing how living in a place for so long you don't notice the minor flaws of your abode.  Finishing pieces of trim are put into place, holes in the walls are puttied and the paint on the baseboards is touched up.  Even our beloved orange kitchen cupboards were painted white.  Lucky for me my wife never suggested any upgrades to her husband.
• This house will always be full of memories for us.  In this house we fell in love, our children were born, and we cooked a delicious smoked brisket.  But the new house will continue to create new memories and adventures and I look forward to continued happiness, love and tonnes of BBQ'd meat.

Your merry band of pirates

With every great adventure a well rounded cast of misfits, miscreants and toddlers is required to truly make the story epic.  I would like to introduce you to your starting lineup:

The Stay At Home Dad / Amateur Thespian:

One would surmise that he might have been a former international banker or pro surfer in days gone by.  But you are incorrect.  This fine looking gentleman was once a forester before dedicating his valuable talents to professionally raising two young daughters.  His interests include BBQing, hiking and staring down walruses.

The Bread Winner / Supermodel:

Often mistaken for an Italian supermodel, the wife toils the daily grind as a highly regarded cartographer.  Smart and beautiful she provides the necessary coinage so the rest of us hooligans can partake in our daily adventures.  Her hobbies include hiking, cake decorating and sewing.  She also cooks a mean cornbread.

The Rock Climber / Ballerina:

Maya, the eldest daughter is three soon turning four.  She is a whirlwind of energy and has lots of spunk and attitude.  At the age of three I believe she would win most bar brawls she were to participate in.  An avid dancer, she loves ponies, mud and Scooby Doo.  Her hobbies include ponies, climbing, jumping and Gaelic poetry.

 The Cutie / Hugger :

Gabrielle, affectionately known as "Gabby" is a smily sometimes shy one year old soon turning two.  She loves to participate in any activity her sister is currently involved in and she loves to grunt.  She participates in a "Calvin and Hobbes" type relationship with her pet monkey.

 The Monkey:

Discovered in the jungles of Borneo, "Ah-Ah" joined the family at an early age.  A part time astrophysicist, Ah-Ah likes to go everywhere with Gabby.  Ah-Ah's hobbies include bananas, and parcheesi.

The Ponies:

At last count I believe there are several trillion ponies in this household.  My knowledge of ponies is vast and if ever an occasion to win money or save my life with pony trivia existed I would be a very rich or very alive man.  Here Pinky  Pie sports her new mohawk haircut courtesy of Maya.

Mission Statement

It is the end of July of the year 2013.  And as of yesterday our domestic abode in downtown Midland has been sold.  In two weeks my spousal unit Melanie will be heading north to the urban mecca of Yellowknife to pursue a new career opportunity with the federal government.  Sometime in the not too distant future, Maya (3 year old wonder child) and Gabby (1 year old child of wonder) will be making the epic trip up to the northern reaches of this fine land we call Canada.  The purpose of this blog is to capture the adventures of a stay at home father and his two high energy offspring as they travel and discover their new home up in the land of the Northern Lights.  The journey will include lots of ponies, and a monkey named "Ah-Ah".